It Was The Kittens Fault!
by goingcrazykat
Summary: Two friends find themselves dropped on their asses in the middle of the Mirkwood. Poorly equipped and with absolutely no survival skills they have to rely on there sarcasm, wits, and a snarky sword to ensure their survival in a non-canon Middle Earth. (was meant to be a crack fic but it got away from me)
1. Chapter 1

_**We do not own anything by Tolkien as we are not Tolkien. We are not profiting though we may be secretly brainwashing. No copyright intended and this fanfiction is for entertainment purposes only. If you are going to sue us you will be very sadly disappointed unless you like baby toys and bath and body works.**_

 _Please note that this is a collaboration piece by a sleep deprived mother and her best friend who is kindly not mentioning her unhealthy obsession with Tolkien._

 _Also Names_

 _Narunes - Nah-roo-dess_

 _Miluiel- mill-wee-ell_

 **Chapter One- Of Kittens and Swords**

Of course! Just of fucking course! The one day I decided to actually go out with my best friend and this happens! Now I'm stuck trudging through some random muddy forest listening to a sword complain about his appearances. A sword of all things!

See it all started out innocently enough me and Narunes had decided to go to the fantasy convention downtown. It was supposed to be a fun way to relax and celebrate the end of finals, not to mention to safely nerd out with others just as weird as we are. However as usually things never go to plan with me. As everyone who knows can contest I attract trouble, and not just the normal kinds of trouble but weird random kinds. Today was totally not my fault though! I mean not really! It was a kitten for crying out loud. A cute fluffy white kitten that was getting drenched by the snow. Not that we were faring much better really in our long cotton girdles and thin slippers the kitten was probably warmer than either of us could hope to be.

Anyways so I saw this kitten and immediately dragged Rune after it, all I could think of was the horrifying things that could happen to the poor tiny helpless creature on the cold unforgiving streets of downtown Denver. Now the last thing I remember is being in the middle of a particularly tear jerking thought of finding a frozen kitten statue before tripping over said kitten and watching (I swear) its little paw lift in a mock wave.

Next thing I know I'm waking up in forest with my best friend cursing violently holding her newly tattooed arm and a mouthy telepathic sword named Callon who seemed overly concerned with his appearance. Which brings us to our current predicament of trudging through the forest in long skirts and listening to an inanimate object whine more than a valley girl getting over a cold.

"I mean look at me! I'm hideous! My polish has worn off and I swear that's a dent in my handle! I look like a goblin's blade all dinged up and dull! What if my shine never returns? I'll be ugly forever! I'll be the laughing stock of all fine weaponry! Is that a jewel or a dirt spot they'll say laughing as the flash there shiny polished sides at me! Mocking me! You might as well bury me now! Save me the humiliation!"

"Oh for monkees sake! Can't you shut that freaking piece of tin up Rune? I swear I will rub dirt into his gems if I have to listen to that annoying lump of metal whine for even one more minute!"

"What do you want me to do about it Miluiel? I've already promised him I'd polish him as soon as I was able. It's bad enough we are lost without having you antagonizing him and making his whining worse! Just concentrate on something else!"

"Like?" So I was being a tad bit petulant, but honestly she was the one to cut and bond herself to an annoying magic talking sword the least she should be able to do is control the damn thing. I mean I myself am occasionally annoying, hell sometimes I'm annoying on purpose, but a muddy dress as well as cold and sore feet really didn't do much for my sense of humor.

"I don't know," Was that sarcasm I detected? "Maybe try to figure out why we have fudging elf ears when I'm sure as shit we didn't have them before taking our nice tumble down the rabbit hole?" Oh snappy and sarcastic that unusual, well unusual when it's aimed towards me anyway. Wait. My hands flew to my ears in shock, what the hell? How did I not notice that?

"Seriously Mil? Even you can't be that oblivious." Oh come on of course I can be that oblivious. I've literally walked into a wall in front of her before. One would expect her to be used to, (and to love) my oblivious nature by now. To this day she still 'warns' me of stray walls and doors.

"Well excuse the fuck outta me.I was a little preoccupied trying to figure out if you could smother sentient inanimate objects. I mean he obviously is aware and in some shape or form alive so logic would dictate he's able to die. Though he doesn't technically breathe does he? Still there has to be a way I can shut him the hell up."

"No smothering Callon Miluiel!" Damn it no one ever lets me have fun. And damn her glare was scary. Has she have glared at me before?No I don't think so I'm pretty damn sure I'd remember that glare.

"Why not?" And that was not me whining, nope I'll deny it to my flaming death by rebellious purple squirrels. I don't whine, I express my dissatisfaction with elongated vowels followed by a over exaggerated huff of breath.

"Because he's pretty and I said so." I dub thee Snarkmaster Narunes may your reign run long and fair!

"Fine Mother, but he's annoying. Just you know throwing that out there in case anyone thought otherwise."

"Opinion acknowledge, accepted and recorded for future reference." This is why we are friends, she totally gets me.

"So where do you think we are? I don't recognize any of the plants we've passed by and I honestly haven't even seen any animals. Though that could be do to us being so loud. I mean the whole elf ear thing is a little wonky but I'm more concerned about us being lost in the damn woods without any supplies, or even acceptable hiking gear. I mean I don't know about you but my shoes are all but shredded and my water bottle is close to empty. Not to mention I really don't want to have to figure out how to do the deed in the middle of the forest with absolutely no toilet paper, just saying. Not to mention you think we would've run into something human by now. At the very least a piece of litter. I mean let's face it humans are disgusting and between animals and the wind that shit gets everywhere. Hell I doubt there is a single place on this planet that doesn't have one sign of human life. Well except for apparently here."

Narunes looked thoughtful for a moment before slowly fidgeting, " Well you know we did find a magic sword, maybe just maybe…"

"Nope. Not getting my hopes up." I knew exactly where she was going with this. " I mean it would be absolutely awesome don't get me wrong but what are the actual chances of us magically falling into another world? Especially seeing as we talk about the possibility literally all the time. One would think that it would happen to someone who didn't want it. I mean unless you count those people that take the really trippy drugs I guess they kinda travel between worlds."

"Dude, we have elf ears, are walking through the middle of a fucking forest after just being in the middle of Denver, I have a tattoo that appeared out of nowhere and a flippin sword that talks. In. Our. Minds. It really doesn't seem to be all that out of the realm of possibility. Plus haven't you noticed we've literally been walking for hours yet neither of us are showing any sign of tiring? Hell normally we walk up the stairs at the mall and have to sit down for a break. Not to mention your way taller and your hair is way longer. Really despite having the same coloring, piercings and tattoos you look completely different way more ethereal, and if I were to hazard a guess so do I." Well she wasn't wrong really, I mean she looked like herself just taller and a little more glowy.

"My lady does have a point you know. I mean I'm magnificent but if I'm reading the conversation you ladies don't have anything like me where you come from." I blinked down at the green sword completely forgetting that he was there. Wait a second…

"Callon! You can tell us where we are can't you?"

"Well duh of course I can." That little piece of tin. I glared down at the vain piece of metal narrowly refraining from throwing a rock at the blasted thing.

"And you didn't think to mention this before because?"

"Actually I'd like to know that to Callon." Oh my gods Narunes was giving the blasted thing a sad kitten look. Could he even see?

"Well it was pretty amusing watching you guys try to figure it out by yourselves. I mean it took the redhead nearly three hours to figure out she not only grew taller but had elf ears. I mean seriously that's just amusement in its natural habitat."

"That redheads name is Miluiel asshole." I was starting to dream of hot forges and hammers, freaking swords who knew they could be such jerks.

"Yeah yeah, anyway I doubt you'd believe me if I told you. I know a little bit about where your from and it seems like you people are always skeptical to the last second never knowing when to just take crap at face value. Plus I'm tired."

"Tired? Your a piece of freaking tin! How could you be tired!" I was seething at this point, I was getting sore and cranky and I was dreaming of chocolate and pillow tops and this freaking inanimate OBJECT was complaining about being tired?

" Actually I'm made from a rare form of green mithril you fuc-"

"Callon. Miluiel that is enough from the both of you." Uh Oh. "Callon can you please tell us what you know? We are flying blind here and honestly without some knowledge of where we are we might as well shoot ourselves in the feet for all the good this trekking about is going to do us. I understand that you aren't confident that we will believe you but as it has been pointed out we've undergone some pretty noticeable physical changes and you are of course a talking sword. At the very least we can stem our disbelief and go with the flow. We are pretty good at that we once had our entire chemistry class convinced we were from scotland for two semesters. If all else fails we will just act like we aren't completely freaking out." There are those kitten eyes again, seriously could Callon see us? And if he can how? He doesn't have eyes. Actually for that matter what the hell even was Callon?

"Fine! Fine, just don't come whining to me when your world gets all nice and turned upside down!"

"Fine!Just tell us." I'm still not whining.

"Ugh ok. So you are in the middle of Rhovanion, the Greenwoods to be more exact. Its July of the Year 3018 in the Third Age. It is the 3,025th year of King Thranduil's rule over the Woodland Realm. It has been 3019 years since King Isildur of Man threw the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom ending the Enemies terror for good."

"Wait a second! Back up! Ignoring the whole Middle Earth thing,and that as far as we knew Arda was a fictional world, what do you mean Isildur destroyed the One Ring? I mean he sure as shit didn't in the books back home, it was kinda a huge plot point." Seriously I practically had the works of Tolkien memorized.

"Maybe in your world or some other world he didn't. But in this one he most certainly did sacrificing his life in the process. Many races believe we have him to thank for the many years of peace Middle Earth has since enjoyed."

"Well is it still enjoying those years of peace?" I'm assuming Narunes question came from Callons past tense use of enjoy."Should we be expecting danger?"

Callon surprisingly sounded regretful while answering Narunes question. "I don't know I have very limited knowledge of the years i was inactive. I can really only give you very basic information on current events, I can tell you that something seems to be stirring up but I have not clue what it is or even if it is a danger to us."

"Well if you know where we are in the forest can you at least direct us somewhere where we can find food and be safe?" Good question Snarkmaster, you lead us well..

"Wait I thought that Thranduil was super strict about outsiders?Should we be worried about coming across any of his guard?" I couldn't help but frown as I asked. The one thing that everyone seemed to agree on was Thranduil's intolerance for strangers. Now clearly the books that we know where wrong on some points of Middle Earth's history was it possible the inconsistencies went down as far as that?

Callon somehow managed to convey a frown as he answered, (how did he do that without a face?) "I'm not sure. I never actually met hi or anyone who personally met him. Though there a rumors of slight intolerance if I remember correctly there were some exceptions. Though they seem to be inconsistent. So I'm going to guess his attitude towards outsiders is fairly instinctually based."

Hmm I guess that made sense. I wonder if he looked anything like he did in the movies? If so damn it was going to be a chore to keep my mouth shut and not gaping or running off like a fool. What could I say attractive men were practically my downfall. "Well I suppose it doesn't really matter it's not like we are liable to.." Oh that is a very nice lap I just fell on. And a very solid very male chest. How the hell did I not only manage to not notice the stream but the male bathing in it until I fell on him? Slowly I raised my eyes up to meet rainy grey eyes. Oh, yeah no way hotter than the movies. Hello cliches how can I help you today? I mean what are the odds of me literally falling into the King of the Woodland Realms lap?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

 _ **So Thranduil turned out a bit more OOC then I meant for him to but he just refused to conform. Anyway sorry this chapter wasn't as long it just didn't want to go longer.**_

Well apparently the chances are really damn high. Damn if I ever get home I have got to check out Vegas, with this kind of luck I'll either go flat broke or become a flippin millionaire. Though knowing me it would backfire and I'd end up having to sell my organs in order to live. How much do organs go for these days anyway?

"Miluiel." Uh-oh maybe I can pretend I don't hear her? I mean I'm not entirely sure how long I've been staring at him stuck in my thoughts but it couldn't have possibly been that long could've it? "Get off the Woodland Kings lap." Ma'm yes Ma'am! There's that look again, why does she keep looking at me like that? Am I speaking my thoughts out loud or something? "Now Miluiel."

"I'm up, I'm up! Damn give a girl a second to get her wits about her will ya? Whoa!" Yep splash, dammit I had hoped that I'd be a bit more graceful what with the whole elven upgrade thing. I crawled out of the stream, this is just completely undignified. I hadn't even wanted to get up, that was a nice comfy and if I may add very attractive lap. Who in their right mind would want to climb off it rather then on it? Though I do have to wonder why I wasn't shoved off, instead he let me get up in my own time. Though really it was like falling off. Maybe I can learn how to be more graceful? Is that a learned thing? Like pancakes? It takes forever to learn not to burn them, maybe being graceful is the pancake of movement? Does that even make sense? Now I'm hungry. I was perfectly happy staying in my musings but the soft and rather cold voice of the Elven King forced me from my happy internal monologue of pancake goodness. So rude.

"Who would you two be?" Damn, I'm so sorry Lee but your voice couldn't possible imitate that. "And what are you doing alone in my forest?"

"Oh I can answer that. No not in the trees pointy ears I'm right here. No a little to the left, yes there, see the pretty green sword? Yeah thats me. Anyway these two nitwits are getting themselves more lost. Probably hoping if they go deep enough into the forest they will luck out and starve before getting eaten alive by some random wild animal." Oh that was just uncalled for. The bastard why won't Narunes let me find a way to smother that damn thing again? Actually she was looking like she was wondering that same damn thing. Maybe I'll get my chance to destroy that annoying green tin stick after all. Wait no she's grinning! BETRAYAL!

"Runes I swear if you do not shut up that damn thing I'll bury it in the nearest compost pit. And we weren't getting lost, we were working on getting unlost. That is a totally different type of wandering."

"We apologize My Lord." Really? She's going to ignore me? So rude." We did not mean to intrude upon your forest without going through the proper channels, but as Callon mentioned, though in a rather crass manner, we are lost. My is Narunes Quill and this is my sister Miluiel."

"Yeah, sorry about that whole lap thing by the way."

"I'm afraid we don't know how we came to be here." Ouch more ignoring, this isn't going to become a habit is it? " We were knocked unconscious and when we awoke we were laying on your forest floor." Look at that spoken like a true lady. I'm so proud really I can practically feel the tears of pride welling behind my eyelids.

"Though for a dirt bug infested floor it wasn't too bad. I mean we could have woken up covered in giant spiders." Narunes just shot me a completely unimpressed look. Why? I am freaking hilarious I deserve a comedy award. All bow before my comedic might.

"Sorry about the redhead. Pretty sure she hit her head harder than my blonde did on their way down the rabbit hole." Line stealing piece of tin… Wait a second! Rude! What's with everyone being mean to me today?

"Your blonde? Excuse me?" Narunes had her hand on her hip while staring down at her other hand were Callon sat. Really it was just an odd angle, did she realize how odd that looked? Maybe I shouldn't mention it she doesn't look like her moods improved much. "You are a sword. You aren't even a bipedal you can't own shit." Man I really want that popcorn.

"What do you think that new ink is girly? A pretty new tattoo? Trust me that sure as hell isn't meaningless drabble you got written into your skin."

"Wait a second don't I get a say in this!" Did she just stomp her foot? Woah.

"Hell-"

"As fascinating as I'm sure you find this verbal sparring match. I demand answers. Neither of you look old enough to be away from your mother's heart let alone old enough to be mucking about my forest alone. Where are you from, the last thing I need on my plate is a couple of bratty runaways with no respect of authority." Well he is far more graceful than me if not a little less so with his words then I expected. At least he didn't trip - so not fair.

"We aren't underaged sir. We are certainly old enough to be away from our homes if we so wish." Wow she looks confused. Wait a second, she looks young. Closer to how she looked back when we were barely in our double digits. How did I not notice that? I mean to be fair I was a little distracted by ears and glowing, so I guess it would make sense that though I noticed she was taller then normal she didn't look as well as adult as I was used to, though I guess when I thought about it it actually made sense.

"Runes." I was slightly surprised that I actually caught her attention with how quietly I was talking but she turned to me. "He may be right, look at me ignore the glowy for a moment? There you see it. According to Tolkien elves came of age at 100 assuming he was accurate we would at most be currently considered pre-teens though truthfully seeing we are both twenty we probably would be considered slightly younger. And if what I read continued to be correct elven children rarely leave home before 50 when they reach their physical maturity. Or basically as I understand it start puberty.

"Puberty?! Oh hell no."

"Twenty!?" How do I keep forgetting about him? He is fucking King Thranduil how does that happen. "Who are your parents that would let you leave home so young? From which kingdom are you?" Oh yeah, I had forgotten how protective elves were of their children, though I have to wonder how we are going to learn more about our new species without getting hauled off to Middle Earth type shrinks.

"We come from a small island kingdom. We've only heard of Middle Earth through our scholars the most popular being a Man named Tolkien. Though due to the rather secluded and secular nature of our kingdom we've had no way of knowing if what he wrote was in fact an accurate account. In fact most of our people have discounted most of his works as tales. "

Oh smart, good job Runey! My turn!

"Narunes spoke true when she said earlier that we both are considered of age in our home. We are the only two like us there, our kingdom was one made up of Men. Elves were rare and far inbetween. Those who raised us based our development off those of a normal man child as opposed to a elf child. As she said most passed Tolkien off as fiction. That being said we truly did not leave our home on our own accord. We were knocked unconscious and only a few hours ago awoke here so far from home." Holy shit that was a lot of words. Breathe lungs breathe!

"Wow, you can actually make sense." Callon sounded far to shocked to be sincere. I was perfectly capable of not making a fool of myself thanks. I just seemed to have an easier time of it.

"And what is the name of this kingdom you hail from?" Is that disbelief I hear? I am insulted I didn't even lie really just stretched the truth a wittle itty bitty bit. But hey if he wants to be that way might as well jump in feet first.

"Asgard." Boom bitch no hesitation! It was taking everything in me not to crack up laughing and to keep a straight face, especially when Narunes stepped up to add in her two cents.

"We are part of the court in Asgard, we are in charge of the Royal Princes Harry and Toms academic education. We were granted the position by our adopted uncle King Dumbledore of Goderick," Don't laugh don't laugh, "We also are educated on the bases of weapon and hand to hand combat."

"It was a rather big deal when our dear Uncle announced our position to the court. Normally only the men are so highly educated, and many felt it would be a disservice to the young princes to have two female teachers instead of the traditional male one. " Why not throw in a little feudal era bullshit? Spices things up a bit.

"That's barbaric, I had heard that some kingdoms of Men followed such practices. You won't find any ellith in our kingdoms to be illiterate."

I shrugged, "It made our accomplishment all the more satisfying even as it made us a target for many traditionalist within the court. There wasn't much we had to worry for we both were taught basic combat as Runes mentioned, plus our Uncle appointed us many guards as we grew to discourage those that would seek retribution against us. Especially seeing as there were many in the court who viewed us as a burden an unworthy of our titles as ladies. Never mind that the King's own brother adopted us as his own, many were furious that we didn't hold true blood connection to the royal families yet carried Royal titles, nevermind that we would never be able to inherit any seats in the court as a true blood relative might." I am so good at this, and the best part is most of this is just normal boring modern bullshit spun to fit a feudal era terminology and social structure. Someone give me a medal.

"Nevertheless you two are young yet. While your home may be fine in letting you gallivant as adults you are not in fact fully grown. And if what you say is true then you also know nothing of your own people. I must insist that you follow me back to my castle. I will send word out to Lord Elrond of Imladris he will likely be the one to take the two of you in and teach you what you need to know. Now come."

For someone half naked he sure managed to make it seem like he swept away. I really want to learn that. Though with my luck I'd fall flat on my ass. Still though we are eventually going to go to Rivendell! We are in ever Tolkien nerd's wet dream!


End file.
